The Origin Of My Depression

by Uboa

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released February 14, 2019

All music and production by Uboa.

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Uboa Australia

Solo experimental music/noise project formed in 2010. ⚧ ☭ contact: uboatheflesh (at) gmail (dot) com

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Track Name: Detransitioning
i’m just some girl
trying her best
ugly as sin

a glinner of hope
stamped out
by those not listening

ideation
i did my best
please don’t hurt me
Track Name: The Origin Of My Depression
love is not the origin of my depression
gender dysphoria is not the origin of my depression
poverty is not the origin of my depression
i try to grasp it
and every answer fails
you are not the origin of my depression
people ignoring me is not the origin of my depression
awkward social interactions are not the origin of my depression
you are not
the origin
failing everything is not the origin of my depression
disappearing is not the origin of my depression
not eating is not the origin of my depression
but passing out helps
it makes me me forget about it
your white dress
i just dont know what it is
its nowhere in my room
its not stolen by a lover
its not ever... its not secret
i try to think of every possible reason why
you wouldn't love me
but i don't know
i don't know why i don't love
there is no reason why
its aleatory

you are the origin of my depression
all the doors are slamming shut
every sneering face is a parody of you
i used to be so confident
your war crimes so adorable
i miss your white dress
every image of [REDACTED]
is an image not of you
Track Name: Lay Down and Rot
love cures
disassociation
disassociation
can not cure love
i wish it could
i miss your white dress
[REDACTED]
Track Name: Epilation Joy
i've got a cancer for you
i am porn
unwatched

left on a drive
untouched
i'm a plastic bag
i'll never, i'll never
degrade

(recording)
...
facial surgery uncanny wormfood cranial vault fractal images of little girls i would of come out at 8 years old [REDACTED] meta-attraction [REDACTED] as long as their fantasies come to hurt me
a fine fruit, that girl
(laughter)
[REDACTED]
Track Name: An Angel of Great and Terrible Light
the grace of god is infinitely kind
even through he left the door ajar

unconditional love
whilst mutilating
is a little too much love to bear

are we mistakes?
or are we going exactly to plan?

wo/man are made in his image
like a broken photocopier

never
apologise to him
for your sins
while you inhabit
a body

pruned in a way
that it withers
not pruned in a way
that i grow

i hope he has this stained cloth too
Track Name: Misspent Youth
i kiss you and i can taste the girlhood i never had
i was dead for 26 years
i feel so, so stupid for waiting
that i am so close to giving up
it’s ontological fate
every transition is done too late

- - -

and the boys want her but pretend they don’t
and write her love letters concealed as threats
and she stops coming to school
and maybe has a quiet overdose
and drops out into camming
and she has a friend like her
and she’s broken too
but even when we were assaulted,
again and again
it’s better to be broken together
even death is tolerable if there is truth
and we’re truth
and i am so scared that all this possible pain
is still better than being a corpse in a closet
waiting for right moment
not for for me, for everybody else
and even more scared that i did know
but pretended i didn’t
a safe and slow rot
seems good enough
right up to the moment of birth

i wish i always were
me
because
hell is fine if i am woman there too

and hell is my truth

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